Going home...

Our WiFi finally works so here it goes..

I end up went back to K.K. anyway. Pretty tired with all the emotions. I couldn’t get enough sleep and rest. My exam wasn't like how I expected it to be. Well is not like i aimed it high. But I didn’t expect it to be that low. However I am thankful that I neither fail any of the subjects nor that I have to repeat any of them. The time that I live here alone was actually pretty depressing. So I just agreed to mom and went back in the last min.

On the day that I’m off to K.K., I have some sort of mix feeling whether or not it is the best for me to go back. With the not so pleasing exam results and the way I think of home, Adam and my condition, I don’t think that I could really cope it all at once. I was crying when I left KLIA. Pretty stupid...Yeah I know... The tears just suddenly started falling down. And when I landed at KKIA, I am forcing myself a smile. I don’t want mom to see me with unhappy face, though it was pretty obvious that I wasn’t look so good. I have lost weight. Mom was the one who pick me up when I saw her in front of the arriving gate I could felt my stomach clenching. With no apparent reasons I feel so nervous. And to my surprised; my sister was there too waiting in the car with her baby bump wearing hijab. Again I was holding my tears. This time it was the happy tears. The thoughts that my sister is pregnant and she’ll be a mom and the fact that she started wearing hijab are the two beautiful things that I feel so grateful about.

Honestly, before I decided to go back to K.K., I have pretty heavy thought about my relationship with Adam. I feel like I want to run away from him, like I have enough of him and above all I don’t think that I deserve him. He deserves someone better. I am no good to him especially with my condition. We pretty much are fighting all the times. I know he loves me because I can feel it but sometimes I do feel like he does not care at all. It’s not that I’m not thankful that he is still here but he knows why if he reads this. Don’t get me wrong it is not that I don’t love him anymore. Seriously, I am very sure that I love him more than anyone could imagine and it even more than he knew. Our problem has been going on for years. The whole week I was in K.K., I cry almost every night... Adam and I fought a lot... I realized that he’s been trying to be patient to me though he lost it one night... I don’t know is it because my condition is worsening or he’s the one who is changing... Or maybe we just have to let go... Do i have to go away to make you love me...even so I have to admit that there are moments that make me love him even more... Enough about him...

Yeah... my Jiejie is pregnant... She looks so cute with the bump and pimples... She surely eats a lot and she drags me along but since I lost so much weight, I just go with the flow... I learned that she is sensitive with so many things, the smell steam from the rice cooker and the iron, smokes from goreng or tumis... Ironically she eats almost everything... Mom said her morning sickness was pretty bad too... She was sick until the 6^th month of her pregnancy... It happened twice when she pregnant with my sister then me... I'm starting to appreciate mom more than before... And mom seems having a hard time to let me off to S.A. this time.. I don't understand why... maybe she misses me so much.. I pray that she'll feel better... Because if she doesn't, I probably will be homesick...

 Lots of prayers, loves, hugs and kisses for the people I love in K.K. I was 21 when I went back to K.K. and I am 22 back here in S.A... Alhamdullillah...