I just don't get it

I just have finished my last paper! Alhamdulillah!! I was a little mental breakdown the night before the exam.(Wanted to cry so much but I just can't!Damn it!) Last week I decided to do something crazy. So I cut my hair a little too short. In a way I feel relief that I dare to do something that I want. My friends are quite worry about it. (thanks guys but I'm all good). Life is about taking risk. Stepping out of your own comfort zone. I feel like I'm starting to take a baby step away from my zone. But every time I started to feel good about myself, there's always something that hold me back. I guess that's just the challenge when you try to do something positive. (I miss A so much.Whatever! Screw everything!)

So I was just got back from helping my friend out. Her mom's car broke down at the junction of our house. Due to the excessive of sugar in my blood, I end up acting cranky the whole night but it was a nice laugh. (so sorry to Coco for he has to watch everything! bhahaha) Thank you to Keri for the super sweet cake! Thanks to Paan for spending some time enjoying the desert with us!! I was not helping my friend much I guess just laughing out with Cha. So tired now. Need to sleep all this heaviness in my head and brush away the pain in this chest. Night Ya'll!

xoxo

Exam... Ramadhan... and life as we know it..

Yeeehooo! So it is exam month where the stress over the top. This is the time when the girls  having crazy moment with their hormones. So do I apparently. I'm thankful that I'm not relapse on being depress (yeah!). I don't know what to expect on my result this term but i'm hoping for the good.. the best.. I have tried to stay in the path though sometimes i do wasting so much time thinking and not doing. (damn it!) however, on the bright side not just me, people do see some improvement. Alhamdulillah on that. I still need a lot of time to adjust.

 Apart from that, tomorrow is the starting of Ramadhan month!! Ahlan Ya Ramadhan! for those who don't know, it is fasting month for the Muslim. It is the time for one to increase their good deeds, reflect themselves as a human being, as a Muslim and above all it is the month for one to get closer to the Creator. It is a Holly month. But my personal opinion, as a servant that was created, it is best to be thankful everyday of our lives. It is better to try to improve every flaw in each day of our live because we don't know when is the time for us to leave this world. What if we could not make it for Ramadhan to come and yeah all this time are we even sincere to change and to be better if we could only do it for a month? Ask yourself and be wise. I'm away from perfection. Even beyond. But I could say that I'm taking one step at a time. 

Well besides all the religious matter, Ramadhan also a good news to the laddies who wanted to slim down and always failed on diet. No crappy excuses when you're fasting... Hehe so good luck on that.. and it is actually a good start.. And again for those who don't know.. Scientifically it is proven that fasting is very good for health. It relaxes our digestive system. For those non-Muslim friends, you can just try it out. With the ultimate one condition, that you have to eat before dawn as Sahur and break your fast at dusk as Iftar. (No eating  for the whole day by the way not even a drop of water) InsyAllah you might not feel anything the whole day without even a gastric as long as you sincere to do it. Fasting is actually a test for your patient and your ability to restraint yourself from doing unnecessary or any bad things.

Here some tips for everyone!

xoxo

crazy life~!

These past few months, I have been emotionally, mentally and physically broke down. I realized all the drama was actually happened because I was the one who put myself in that particular situation. I know that we can't live to be very careful with everything that we limit ourselves and shutting all the doors in front of us. No we can't! Yet we can't live carelessly and reckless and screw things over and over again. It all about balance. I don't know how am I going to balance everything but I know somehow I have to change. Forgive myself and be a better person. 

A friend told me once, we can't have everything that we want in life. I know that. I fully know that. I wasn't spoil much to get everything that I want in my life. However, my mom being a mom, she convinces me that nothing is impossible in this world with Allah's willing. She brainwashed me with that kind of thoughts. In order to get something, you have to work for it. You might lose some and of course you might win some. Something crossed my mind. I started to think how to get everything that I wanted without disappoint myself. Then I get the answer. It is SINCERITY! Yes it is because when you are sincere, you will not expect any returns. When you don't expect it, it won't disappoint you not even a bit. It is different from not putting high hope on something. Not putting high hope means you still bet a chance on it. So as simple as be sincere will not harm you. The question is actually, is it easy to be sincere? Just when you thought that you are sincere, there will be things that hold you back and make you think back of what you have done. It is not easy to be a good person but to be the bad, as easy as ABC. Pray hard not just for people around us, but also for ourselves. It is one of the ways we can survive any fall. 

Last but not least, KOTOBIAN TADAU TOGAZO DO KAAMATAN! It is Kaamatan break, so to all my Kadazandusun and Sarawakian friends, enjoy your holiday celebrating harvest festival. I'm not going back home even though I am dying to see the tournament! I miss the team, I miss myself.. but the thing is I have tons of work to do.. Like seriously... Just finished one last night.. Tiring much..

xoxo

Too much..

baby, I am so sorry.. I could not face you right now.. it hurt me so much..you know what you put me through.. all these while people been speculating about so many thing.. I have holding on for too long.. I cant do this now.. the text that you sent me..it is just too much. you know I love you and miss you more than you can imagine.. these tears never tired running down for you..I need to give them a break.. Take the time that you always wanted.. Just take care..

xoxo

Climax

Not been able to carry myself properly lately. But I drag my feet around. I went to see Redbull Air Race Putrajaya. It was nice. Thrilling much actually despite of my broken heart. I guess there is no him and no me anymore. I know I have to let it go sometimes. Today was his convocation day. He did not text nor call me at all. Well the other girl is there. I could do nothing about it. I am numb. His mom was the one who texted me. I do not know what to feel actually. I remember crying in the middle of the day. Whatever it is I know I have to give myself a break. I need to focus on myself now.

 Baby if you read this, thank you so much for doing what you have done. I am thankful on each little things. Even though it broke my heart. People don't see what happened to me these past few years. You know well what you have done so I hope you will learn the lesson. I pray that you can learn how to be a responsible man. Honesty is the best policy. I know you that kind of man that will never regret of the things you did. Good for you. I hope you're happy. I mean it. 

I have fallen in love with the air race. I dream of being  pilot myself. There are so much more to life. Now that I see it, I wish I can still make it to do things that I have been holding myself from doing. A friend told me that I am not being realistic. Hey! nothing is impossible.. All I need to do now is to prevent myself to relapse from depression. May Allah with me always. InsyAllah...

xoxo

Test test test!

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another day.. HELP ME OUT! One Thousand Hopes

So today I woke up pretty early due to an important presentation that I have to do this morning.. It was kind of shocking because I am usually the last person who hit the bathroom and the last person to be in front of the mirror.. horraayyhh to me! haha It went pretty boring but N.F. and I manage to get a compliment from our lecturer... Alhamdullillah! Another task is slashed out of my list. 

My group is working on a project so I really need you guys (if anyone even read this) to help me out! We are organizing an event next month. It is about organ donation. We hope to get more people to pledge. I myself is going to pledge on  the day of the event. It is 100% a volunteer efforts. If you have any questions, you are welcome to ask anything to me. I will include some details bellow so feel free to have a look at it. 

https://www.facebook.com/onethousandhopes

instagram.com/onethousandhopes

Since we just get started, we are hoping to get more support from you guys. Spread the good deeds. Support us. Please please please do. we never know that one day we might be the one who needed the donation. 

xoxo

Mid has a new home...

so after just one night stays in our house, Mid finally moved out.. well not that far just to the next door... however, I feel sad letting him go... not just me.. Cha, Nurul and Nurin pun of course sama sedih... we fed him, bath him and slept with him...we spent quite a lot of money on him.. what can we do... ada orang allergic dengan binatang dalam rumah ni... it's okay... lagi pun kalau busy nanti nobody can really take care of him anyway...  but still when there's a will, there's a way...  but it's just next door bah... we can still visit him.. hope they take good care of him... Bye bye bye MID... take care... 

Lots of loves from Me, Cha, Nurul and Nurin baby Mid... see you... 

Free on Friday!

Went to traditional spa this morning and had a full-body massage... So refreshing after a long time not be able to pamper myself.. With the stress and all.. It is worth to spend a bit to relax.. The weather is pretty hot today... macam malas pula keluar rumah butg I still have plenty things to do...When I got after the spa, ada pula yang datang rumah..

We have additional member to the house... His name is Mid... Datang pergi rumah orang pastu macam investigator... Habis semua dia check.. Comel tapi a bit arrogant.. He's hungry but picky about food... How can a stray cat be this cocky.. haha However we already fell in love with him.. So we're going to the vet in a bit... 

Going home...

Our WiFi finally works so here it goes..

I end up went back to K.K. anyway. Pretty tired with all the emotions. I couldn’t get enough sleep and rest. My exam wasn't like how I expected it to be. Well is not like i aimed it high. But I didn’t expect it to be that low. However I am thankful that I neither fail any of the subjects nor that I have to repeat any of them. The time that I live here alone was actually pretty depressing. So I just agreed to mom and went back in the last min.

On the day that I’m off to K.K., I have some sort of mix feeling whether or not it is the best for me to go back. With the not so pleasing exam results and the way I think of home, Adam and my condition, I don’t think that I could really cope it all at once. I was crying when I left KLIA. Pretty stupid...Yeah I know... The tears just suddenly started falling down. And when I landed at KKIA, I am forcing myself a smile. I don’t want mom to see me with unhappy face, though it was pretty obvious that I wasn’t look so good. I have lost weight. Mom was the one who pick me up when I saw her in front of the arriving gate I could felt my stomach clenching. With no apparent reasons I feel so nervous. And to my surprised; my sister was there too waiting in the car with her baby bump wearing hijab. Again I was holding my tears. This time it was the happy tears. The thoughts that my sister is pregnant and she’ll be a mom and the fact that she started wearing hijab are the two beautiful things that I feel so grateful about.

Honestly, before I decided to go back to K.K., I have pretty heavy thought about my relationship with Adam. I feel like I want to run away from him, like I have enough of him and above all I don’t think that I deserve him. He deserves someone better. I am no good to him especially with my condition. We pretty much are fighting all the times. I know he loves me because I can feel it but sometimes I do feel like he does not care at all. It’s not that I’m not thankful that he is still here but he knows why if he reads this. Don’t get me wrong it is not that I don’t love him anymore. Seriously, I am very sure that I love him more than anyone could imagine and it even more than he knew. Our problem has been going on for years. The whole week I was in K.K., I cry almost every night... Adam and I fought a lot... I realized that he’s been trying to be patient to me though he lost it one night... I don’t know is it because my condition is worsening or he’s the one who is changing... Or maybe we just have to let go... Do i have to go away to make you love me...even so I have to admit that there are moments that make me love him even more... Enough about him...

Yeah... my Jiejie is pregnant... She looks so cute with the bump and pimples... She surely eats a lot and she drags me along but since I lost so much weight, I just go with the flow... I learned that she is sensitive with so many things, the smell steam from the rice cooker and the iron, smokes from goreng or tumis... Ironically she eats almost everything... Mom said her morning sickness was pretty bad too... She was sick until the 6^th month of her pregnancy... It happened twice when she pregnant with my sister then me... I'm starting to appreciate mom more than before... And mom seems having a hard time to let me off to S.A. this time.. I don't understand why... maybe she misses me so much.. I pray that she'll feel better... Because if she doesn't, I probably will be homesick...

 Lots of prayers, loves, hugs and kisses for the people I love in K.K. I was 21 when I went back to K.K. and I am 22 back here in S.A... Alhamdullillah...

when life gives you lemon...

i have been depressed for the past few days.. it happened so many times throughout this term...in fact i have been in depression for the past few years..i thought it will be better over the times.. but it don't.. lately my depression seems to be unpredictable..it can suddenly comes and goes.. it has been going on for awhile now.. i know i need to get help... but i still feel i can handle it though... my doctor use to gave me medicine to make me feel better and it works.. it's just i don't like the feeling that i have to depend on drugs to make me feel better..people may don't understand this after awhile i feel more depress because i can't be happy without pills..my family don't know about this either... some of my friends knew but they don't understand it.. even the person that i have been in love with for years knows about it but he doesn't get it.. it's like i'm faking everything.. i'm trying to disclose to other people but they will think that i am a freak.. i don't feel happy about everything.. my latest exam's result recently came out.. it was pretty devastating.. but i understand that i get what i deserve.. the thing is that right now i don't need people come to me and comfort me with words.. i don't find those words helping me at all... it don't motivate me to be better and it definitely won't help me feel better.. sorry guys.. those words more likely to hurt me even when you don't mean it that way... 

i went out with 2 friends today.. the 2 which never cross my mind would have reached me and invited me for dinner.. i went anyway even though i had my meal.. Coco and Keri were very nice to me even though i had some sort of history with their friend.. i guess they just being kind.. very sweet of them.. i am looking forward to see them again in the future.. 

earlier, i cleaned up the whole kitchen.. i even clear up the fridge.. if i don't do anything i tend to think about the things that i shouldn't thought of.. still by making myself busy didn't do much of difference.. but at least i manage to do something good right? living alone all by myself is not really bad after all.. even so, i pray everyday that one day i look at this post and feel so good of myself  and think how silly i was.. xoxo

another day...

i woke up quite early today. have to settle few things in the morning. going back to my hometown in few weeks time. last night i went to bed a little late AGAIN. i couldn't really sleep this past few days. my exam result is coming out soon. hmmm i'm worry about myself. my stress seems to be worsen. i lose weight. i don't have much of appetite. i don't go out to hang with my  friends i even stop exercising. this is so unhealthy. i know. but i just don't have the drive to do anything. i do read though. a novel. 1page a day..ppfftt the only thing that i am motivated to do is daydreaming. about uncertain things. i have so many plans in my head and everything seems to be very impossible right now. i'm not use to negative thinking. i used to be a very optimistic and positive person.along the way i've lost myself. i don't know is it me changing or the surrounding. i'm on my way to find myself but but even in finding them i feel like i have lost. i'm not the happiest person i used to be. a friend once asked me if everything is okay because she said, she don't see my bright smile and crazy personality anymore. when someone told you that, of course you'll know something must have gone wrong without you realized it. well i do remember those times that i am being super random. and yeah NOT ANYMORE. maybe i just grow up. and being mature. or am i in depression again? just yesterday i was open up to a new thing and today i feel like i'm losing it..

Inspiration~

so i recently following E L E A N O R. the things that she wrote are inspiring and feeding my thoughts with yummy snacks. since i'm still very new with this whole blog thingy, i found out that i should  actively documenting my life. i really wish i could inspire people. even strangers. i know blogger existed gazillion years ago. my friend who is very into trend had ask me to do a blog long time ago but i think it was a huge commitment. but now it kinda got me. i guess i'm just a late bloomer. i think blog is more intimate even though its public. it connects the blogger and the reader in a way.maybe because the efforts that has been poured out by the blogger and the reader that made it special. i also realized that so many social networking sites nowadays has the features that friendly user so the whole documenting process will be a lot easier. FB, TWITTER, INSTAGRAM and KEEK for example. somehow i feel i'm not really into it anymore. well different people have different perspectives. i use to be addicted to twitter and facebooking. until at one stage i feel kinda sick to even go online so i decided to delete my accounts. and now i'm going back to the very basic. i learned that blogging provide me with ideas and it moves me to read more. as a typical Malaysian teenager, i don't read much.  

i'm so proud of me today because i manage to open up to a new things.

Holiday!

yup its term break!! yeay! no study..no assignment and no life.. hmmm~ i have decided to stay here for the break.. everyone is already go back to their hometown.. Mia's family is coming tomorrow for a visit.. then next week they will all go back home... and i will be left alone...again.. it is not that i don't want to go home..it is just i don't have a place to stay...a place that i could call my home.. don't get it wrong...i do still have my family... both parents remarried and a married elder sister.. it is tiring live as a nomad.. people don't understand why don't i stay with my mom or my sister..  it's kinda complicated.. i used to live with my mama but they have moved away..i couldn't just follow they and leave my biological family.. i just couldn't..i want to stay with my dad but i have lost my room to a cat.. won't be blaming them.. it is me who rarely stay there.. so i have to face the muse..

my life here is kinda of boring but i think it's better than to constantly live in a car..i'm planning to start working out again...but always fail to wake up early...but hey i have started a squash session with my classmates..it is fun...still i think it is not enough..actually.. i need to get myself back together before next term starts..i got lost in a way and i don't  know how and why.. i guess when you were in a darker place looking  way out you'll still be lost somehow..i miss him so much but i can feel that he doesn't feel the same way..should not be thinking about this anymore..

i also thinking of  do vlog but i'm not so sure about that.. honestly i don't even really know about this whole blog thing that is why no one is following nor commenting.. LOL

i guess this gonna be it for today.. XOXO